Time to go back...

Hello readers. It's been much too long. And I'm not just talking about my blog. It's been way too long for a lot of things. Too long since I posted on here, too long since I've shared my thoughts with everyone, too long since I've told people I love them, and way way too long since I've admitted having a hard time with my faith. (as if it weren't obvious to all of you)So here we go.

Let me just start by saying I hate doing this. I hate sharing my feelings. But worse than that I hate talking to people face to face about them, so this is my alternative.
I'm sure a lot of people have questions as to why I don't go to church anymore... or why I stopped being involved. And if they ever read this.. then they'll know because I'm not going to share otherwise.
1. I stopped going to church because quite frankly there are a lot of phony people there. And I'm not JUST talking about the Church I attend now. I'm talking about every church I've ever been to. It's always about money or being seen, or pretending to be a good "Christian" on Sunday. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people having completely separate lives from that of their life at the church. I'm tired of seeing people on Sunday who act one way and KNOWING without a shadow of a doubt that they are not who they pretend to be. It's something I can't look past and it's something that has kept me away.
2. I'm having a hard time forgiving certain people. I don't know why it's something I can't get over, but every time I see these people it makes me want to smack them, yell at them, and tell them exactly what I think. And I can't. Why? because I would still have to see these people on a regular basis. Because if I do that, I guarantee that I will not be going back to the church. And I don't want to do that. While I know I don't attend very often, I love a LOT of the people there and don't want to create this kind of a situation.

I bet you're all wondering what brought on my little rant. Well for starters... the Spiritual Challenge began today and I'm supposed to be a mentor. But I can't be a mentor if I have unresolved spiritual issues. So here's my vent/rant. And I don't expect anyone to respond, offer words of wisdom, or even "care." This is something I needed to do to vent. I want people to know why I have chosen to be absent lately and hopefully understand.
The second thing is that my sister and brother in law were in a car accident today. One that would have been fatal or cause serious injury if it weren't for special safety feature with that car, that allows the engine to fall out the bottom of the car instead of at them. (I don't really know how it works, that's just what I was told) And all of this made me realize that I need to stop letting these things bother me so much. Because, while they aren't minor things or simply "pet peaves", they shouldn't stop me from worshiping God and growing closer to Him. I'm tired of being absent, I'm tired of letting these people run me off, and I'm really tired of having this constant burden of stress, anger, and resentment on my shoulders all the time. It's not worth it. I let my faith grow weak, I let me relationships grow stale, and I'm not going to do it anymore. My love for the rest of the people there should not be out done by my resentment.


I know this is long. And if you were able to endure the whole annoying rant... you get a gold sticky star. I just can't keep this bottled up anymore, nor can I tell people face to face... so here we are. So it's time to squeeze my way back into the group and rebuild ALL my relationships. By the way... I love you guys.